Original poem reprinted online here: "Ornament" by Dore Kiesselbach
Originally read: January 1, 2013
More information about the Poet: Dore Kiesselbach
So I wrote this at the end of the poem, "The end is meh -- the over usage of '-ed' sounds. The intro of a non-linear image -- it's a part that highlights 'I'm an epiphany pay attention to me' when the narration felt strong." When reading this poem over again, I stumbled over the last three words "varnished / feathers shined." It's a part where I had to slow down and reread the part, and maybe that's what the last three words supposed to do; however, I found the narration in the poem more intriguing and the last lines just jumbled.
Fore example, I wrote about repetition, "I really like the repetition like this 'marks beside / marks' 1) It'd be too kitchy if the line ended there. 2) Since it keeps going the idea is strong but contrasts/confirms the sentiment further on of cyclical annoyance" One thing I want to add to this is that the line after has also the same sort of repetition "I left last year / and years before" Through repetition, the speaker brings a tone of tiredness and humor like "I can't believe I keep doing this year after year"
Another example, near the beginning part "I sawed it / from its future in the earth / but still sips, last cells / stubborn in a local life." So I wrote down "A mix of surrealism and science to describe decay" and on top of that the alliteration in this part "c->s" "l and l" brings a good flow to the poem -- not too fast, not too slow.
So my disappointment with the end is that it also feels forced. To keep the humor and non-sentimentality of the poem "it brought us together / in honest wonder / on the couch." (I wouldn't end it here, the focus should be back on the tree) the poem keeps going. I think a stronger end would be this "To leave it upright / in a drift between / dangling suet / and the surveyed line" The poem would end with the tree being an ornament and the alliteration here "d and s," since they are both opposite sounds would leave a bit of the humor captured in the beginning of the poem.
"I tow it through the yard by limbs" Yeah I know this action occurs because of the movement in the earlier poem. Plus the action is pretty mundane based on the last actions "yank yank yank." And reading over the last line in my head again -- still doesn't fit for me.
Originally read: January 1, 2013
More information about the Poet: Dore Kiesselbach
So I wrote this at the end of the poem, "The end is meh -- the over usage of '-ed' sounds. The intro of a non-linear image -- it's a part that highlights 'I'm an epiphany pay attention to me' when the narration felt strong." When reading this poem over again, I stumbled over the last three words "varnished / feathers shined." It's a part where I had to slow down and reread the part, and maybe that's what the last three words supposed to do; however, I found the narration in the poem more intriguing and the last lines just jumbled.
Fore example, I wrote about repetition, "I really like the repetition like this 'marks beside / marks' 1) It'd be too kitchy if the line ended there. 2) Since it keeps going the idea is strong but contrasts/confirms the sentiment further on of cyclical annoyance" One thing I want to add to this is that the line after has also the same sort of repetition "I left last year / and years before" Through repetition, the speaker brings a tone of tiredness and humor like "I can't believe I keep doing this year after year"
Another example, near the beginning part "I sawed it / from its future in the earth / but still sips, last cells / stubborn in a local life." So I wrote down "A mix of surrealism and science to describe decay" and on top of that the alliteration in this part "c->s" "l and l" brings a good flow to the poem -- not too fast, not too slow.
So my disappointment with the end is that it also feels forced. To keep the humor and non-sentimentality of the poem "it brought us together / in honest wonder / on the couch." (I wouldn't end it here, the focus should be back on the tree) the poem keeps going. I think a stronger end would be this "To leave it upright / in a drift between / dangling suet / and the surveyed line" The poem would end with the tree being an ornament and the alliteration here "d and s," since they are both opposite sounds would leave a bit of the humor captured in the beginning of the poem.
"I tow it through the yard by limbs" Yeah I know this action occurs because of the movement in the earlier poem. Plus the action is pretty mundane based on the last actions "yank yank yank." And reading over the last line in my head again -- still doesn't fit for me.
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